About Goodbyes

I am crying tonight. Again. This is maybe due to my period. Or maybe because of movies I watched the whole night. Or maybe because I am this pathetic, having nothing to do but crying.

You know, when I was a child, I kept crying whenever I saw scene about love of father and mother to children. I don’t know, I was just happy to see them filled with love. Even though I damn know that that was just about planned scenario and artificial. I don’t care. I was just like audience that was so stunned with the performance.

That was when I was a child. I have no idea what the relation between my childhood and family love. Maybe because I have a very beautiful family so therefore I always amazed with family love I saw in the movies.

Today, I always cry for movies about relationship man and woman. Before I have someone special in my life, I always attracted to romantic stories. I felt like dying to have that special scene like in the movies.

But after I have someone special in my life, I have no interest of romantic stories. It felt like nonsense. Not everybody has the same happy ending. Therefore I will always cry whenever I saw this thing: goodbyes. In whatever scene. Whether it is about divorce, leaving out of town, or death.

The last one is a little tricky, and surely the saddest time ever for me. A little tricky because I know it will happen to everybody in this world, so it was like fooling me: if I know it will happen, why am I crying so bad?

The Traveller’s Wife is the last movie I saw tonight that made me cry so badly. I have seen it like three times, the last time I saw I promise I will never see this movie again. Well I saw it tonight also by coincidence. My movie before, Sundays at Tiffany’s (which left me crying also) had finished and I just changed to the next channel and I found The Traveller’s Wife and I was just stopped changing channels. It is a movie about a time traveller who has a wife and daughter later on the movie. One thing for sure about time traveller is he knows when it came to his death.

And it was… I don’t know. I kept placing to be in his wife’s position. I mean, who else could I be? I will be a wife someday. And you know, based on movies I have watched until today, losing a husband is like the worst disaster a wife has to face. It is just about the time. I haven’t married but I just don’t know what I will feel when losing a husband (still my fiance now). That is tricky: I know that will happen but I don’t know… I just don’t know.

I kept looking of women who had lost their husbands around me. My grandma, for instance. I remember, I was always with her after my grandfather had gone. I guess their children didn’t want her to be alone in those days, so they asked me to be with her. I remembered she didn’t talk so much. I was a little girl but I understand what she felt. I heard she crying in her pray at night. Or even until today whenever we visit his grave, she was crying. What exactly she felt? What exactly she did so she could be like she is today?

I wish somebody could tell me how before I have to face it. Sometimes, I wish I want to leave first before I saw my beloved one gone.

P.S.: I love you more


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