Just several days toward my thesis defense day, I felt not like myself. I looked in the mirror, not seeing somebody I know. I walked, I thought, I spoke, I wrote not like myself. Songs that used to be my inspiration, now no longer be needed. They’re getting boring, not even the lyrics altogether are not helping. Movies, I used to watch Ally McBeal non-stop, and it’s not even helping like it used to be. Now it’s making me feel worse.
My family, not there as always. My friends, got busy. My mates, felt more boring or they got bored of me, I don’t even want to think about those possibilities. These days, I just kept with myself, which made me felt bored with myself.
Reading books for the thesis defence, not helping; don’t understand even one single paragraph. Reading my thesis for the thesis defence, not helping either: I kept thinking how could I wrote that such a thing? Presentation practice, not helping; I kept misspelled and disconnected.
One problem I could figure is that I do need to scream this hell out of me. I don’t know, on the beach, perhaps. In the middle of the night, where everybody is asleep and nobody noticed me. I don’t even know what should I scream. Me? Allah, to take me away? Yeah, right. Or, them? Him? I don’t know. I just want to scream. Until I have this conclusion that screaming is one solution.
Or maybe not screaming. Jumping around? Up, down.
You see. One time, I felt alone; had a far distance with everybody else. Then one other time, when I were together with them, I got bored and wanted to be alone. Damn. Is this the worst syndrome before the defense. They kept telling me to relax, but how could I relax?
Talking to people, not helping. I don’t even know what I should talk about. Shopping, not helping. It needs my mind to decide what I should buy; and by using the mind, I could not stop thinking about it. Chatting, not helping; I lost topics. Facebooking, damn right.
Drinking coffee in a coffee shop, where people you don’t know just come and go; perhaps it’s helping. It raises the feeling that I need to be alone with somebody I don’t know; who don’t know me, don’t know my problem, don’t know what I am up to. But they are with me.